Thursday, July 22, 2010

I finally did find sleep that first night and as I slept I prayed and thanked my Father in Heaven for helping me get through the surgery. I thanked him for letting my daughter live. I thanked him for her beautiful hair and her perfectly formed body.
I was yet to find that her body wasn't formed as perfectly on the inside.

I awoke the next day with many questions rolling around in my head. The first one was, "Why me, why is this happening to me?" I knew that there was only one person that could answer that question. I also knew that I might have to struggle to hear the answer. The answer wasn't going to come from a text book, nor a Crystal ball. No one could tell me the answer, some might try, but nothing could satisfy the desire I had in my heart except feeling the answer come from my Father in Heaven. My spirit needed to discover the answer. The spirit is the part of each of us that feels. My spirit was hurting and I needed to know if I had done something wrong. Could it have been the Diet Coke I drank? The fact that I said "Shit" to much. Yeah, rather shallow, don't ya think. Well, I don't know!

My feelings have always been very strong and I was learning to trust them and accept the positive ones as gifts from God. Being in the hospital and having no one to talk with most of the time, I could ponder and listen. I knew how to pray and how to listen. I knew that the Lord loved me and wouldn't leave me. But ya know, at the end of that day, I didn't have the answer to that question, but I did remember something. I remembered Moroni speaking to the people in Ether chapter 12. He said, "and now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen: wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of you faith". This made me think, I remembered back at the beginning of this pregnancy, the ultra sounds showed us that there was a problem. The feelings that I experienced upon hearing that statement were, "oh, ok, what is it and we'll deal with it". The calm assurance of Faith came over me, in knowing that everything will be fine, and we can handle it as we work with a loving Father in Heaven and let his Will be done. That same feeling came to me while on the operating table when I was scared. A calm spirit came over me and took my hand and said, "it's ok, all is well".

I took a deep breath and I was humbled. The feelings that ran deep into my heart told me that the journey would be one that I needed to take slowly because I wasn't sure that I was strong enough to make it. The Lord says to us, in Ether Chapter 12"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then, will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I knew what I needed more right then, then the answer to my question. I needed strength to move one day at a time. And in order to gain strength I must act with faith.

The phone rang in my room and I picked it up with fear, fear that my daughter didn't make it through the surgery. It was John, as he blew out his pent up air, he said that she made it through the surgery. Everything that they suspected was corrected. She was stabilized back in intensive care. She was barely alive because she was on 100% breaths and 100% oxygen. We would now wait for her to heal as we gradually decrease the breaths and oxygen and she starts breathing on her own.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Coming to Earth

Gene, just became my new friend. She assured me that Casey was stable, that her vitals sign were steady, her coloring was good and she was so darling and had allot of hair. She also said that she was on 100% breaths and 100% oxygen. She said that, if the machines weren't breathing for her - she wouldn't be living. She said that the doctors would be looking at her and decided what needs to be done. I told her that I wanted to be kept informed and she said that I could call anytime I wanted too.

John had gone home that night and gathered JoDell and Jared from his sisters. He told them what was happening and they told him that they were always available to watch the kids.

JoDell ask - is she going to die? JoDell is about 4 years more mature then her young age of 5. As she was kneeling and saying her prayers she ask her Father in Heaven, (with all her young faith) to please take care of her mommy and don't let her sister die. She hugged her daddy, and said to him, everything is going to be all right, I just know it.

Jared was only 18 months, I'm sure he was feeling something, after all, his life was turning upside down. John hugged him and Jared ask with a sat throat, "Where's mommy?" Grateful that he could say, mommies fine and she'll be home to see you in a few days.

I wasn't sleeping very well that night, the medication had worn off and I started thinking. I always think too much and I wanted answers. I remembered Gene telling me I could call, and I had the number directly to the Intensive Care Unit at Primary Children's Hospital, so I called. It was 3:30 in the morning but Gene was there and she was very kind and patient. She told me that the doctors had been in and looked at the ex rays and found that her trachea was attached to her esophagus. When she swallowed the fluid went straight to her lungs, filling her lungs and causing fluid to remaining in the placenta. That would explain why I was big enough to have triplets and there was only one small baby. Also when I was opened, buckets of water spilled to the floor.

Surgery was set for in the morning. Three procedures would be necessary. First, a duct that was suppose to have closed during the delivery needed to be closed. Second the trachea would be detached from the esophagus and attached to the lungs. Third the Esophagus would be attached to the stomach. It was a fairly common procedure with a 6 week healing time.

Gene said that it would take about 6 hours and I should call after that.

I was able to go to sleep praying that all would go well.


YEA! My first ever drawing for those that are trying to follow my story. It's going so slow, I know. I have now found out, for sure, that Primary Children's Hospital no longer has her medical file. It must have been in the group, a long time ago, that didn't get put on microfiche.

The winner of the drawing is: CYNTHIA HORST - please e-mail your address Cynthia, I have a special prize for you.

I will be writting more this week-end.

Big Hugs

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Now I can get her medical records

Sunday morning I was hurrying to get ready for church, forgetting what the day was, and as I went into the great room and looked at my desk, laying on the computer was an envelope. I looked closer and I saw a picture of a baby. I looked closer still and I saw the words birth/death certificate.

I screamed -------- I have been wanting this for over 15 years and I've procrastinated getting it from the S.L. Health Dept.

My John came into the kitchen, I threw my arms around him and we both stood there and bawled for 5 minutes.

My heart was so touched. It was as if our daughter (Casey) was there saying "Happy Mothers Day Mom".

Friday, April 9, 2010


"Everything is not OK, your daughter is in trouble". My doctor turns and hands the baby to the pediatrician who lays her under the light to check her out. He finds that her coloring is almost black from lack of oxygen and she isn't breathing. Her heart is beating so he quickly incubates her and turns the oxygen level up to 100% and giving her 100% breaths. I take a deep breath as he turns to us and says, "she's alive".

I remember feeling, with all of my heart, it's OK. My blood pressure dropped to normal and the surgery was completed.

I awoke during the night and it was dark and cold and quiet. I rang for the nurse and asked her for a warm blanket. I also asked her if she new anything about my daughter. She shook her head and looked down at the floor and said, "no, I don't" I believe she was taken to the University of Utah's Medical Center. Then she left the room. I was alone again, I can't stand to be alone, but there I was. So I bowed my head in prayer and asked for comfort and warmth, I asked for my daughter to be made well, and for my other children to be taken care of. And through tears I asked that John would be able to find some answers.

At the very moment I was praying for John to be able to find answers, my prayer was being fulfilled. John was finding answers. He had followed Casey to the University of Utah Medical Center (U of U) and was in contact with one of the residents on duty that night. The doctor told John that Casey had a connection between her esophagus and her trachea (a TE Fistula) and that the connection was causing a breathing problem and a swallowing problem. The doctor said that it would be a fairly routine operation, but that the doctors at Primary Children's Hospital would be the ones to perform the surgery. Casey was stable, but would be moved to Primary that night for surgery in the morning.

This is not the first time I've given birth to a baby, and for that I am very grateful. It helps to be familiar with the drill. There was a difference in hospitals though. This one was not nearly as comfortable or friendly as the other one I was in. I was left alone, allot! That made me feel bad. I got out of bed the next morning and put my robe on, opened my door and went for a slow walk around the station there. Babies had been brought out of the nursery to go to there mothers. One baby was crying because he was laying on his Binky. I bent over and pulled it out just as a nurse came by. She told me that I was not to touch the babies and to get away. I went back to my room and shut the door and had myself a good cry. I never went out for a walk again. A couple hours later a nurse came in and handed me a slip of paper with a phone number on it. She said that I could call the intensive care unit at Primary Children's Hospital and talk to them about my daughter. I was very grateful for that number and I held it very close. I had to stay in the hospital for 7 days and I new it was going to be a long week, especially with no one to talk to. The nurses didn't come in unless they absolutely had too, and then they don't talk. I don't even recall my doctor making his daily rounds to me. Ya know, he didn't have anything to say to me during the delivery or after. Maybe he has a problem! Well, I thought, I'm the patient and I have a problem and I need to talk to someone. My husband was very busy working and taking care of our other two children when he was home, and trying to go visit our baby at Primary Children's, so there wasn't much time for me.

Well before I really started feeling sorry for myself, I looked at the paper with the number on it. I called the number, a sweet voice answered, I ask, could I speak with someone about a new patient, Casey Collete Geilmann? Silence for awhile, then I heard a happy, strong voice say, "this is Gene, may I help you"? I broke down in tears, and said, "my name is Cindy Geilmann, my baby was just taken there, her name is Casey Geilmann, can you tell me anything about her? I didn't know this then, but Gene would become my, "Angle in Waiting".

Thursday, April 1, 2010


They want me? Are you sure? I thought I was only going to be able to take a few breaths and then I would be returning to finish this work? OK! Let's go!

Sunday, March 28, 2010


"Hurry, quick, go find Casey, her wait is almost over. There have been complications but it's time for her to go to earth and take her body. She is going to have to struggle for awhile, but I know that she can do it. She is one of the strongest spirit daughters here. She will be able to touch many lives, in her family, and her family's ward. In the mission fields where aunts and uncles serve and at Skyline High where her daddy teaches. The faith of her monther and father have allowed her to stay a little bit longer. . ."

Thursday, March 25, 2010


As I lay in recovery, my mother standing by my side, my husband came in to check on me. All I can remember about that moment is that I told him, "don't let her die, please don't let her die".

John went back to the ICU and he asked one of the doctors to help him give her a medical blessing. They gave her the name she was to be known by while here on this earth. It was Casey Collett Geilmann. He was inspired to give to her the blessing of life and patience.

A nurse rolled an isolette into my recovery room. She said that they had stabilized Casey and that the life flight helicopter had arrived and was going to take her to the University Medical Center, where she could be looked at.

The isolette was rolled close to my bed. I could see a little round baby girl with lots of dark hair. Her coloring had pinked up, now that oxygen was circulating her body. She looked so beautiful. I wanted to hold her so badly and I imagined that she wanted to be held my her mother too. It was a very devastating feeling being separated like that after carrying her so close to my heart for 9 months.

I could hear the sound of the helicopter's blades swishing through the air and the engines roared hard to lift the helicopter off the ground. I didn't know what to think or feel, it all seemed to happen so fast.

John and my mother left to go to the University Hospital to be with Casey. I was alone in the recovery room. Then I was rolled down the hall to my room. I was situated in my bed and left alone through the night.

Saturday, March 20, 2010


The two doctors working on me resumed their conversation. I felt tugging and pulling and pressure and more tugging and pulling. Next I heard a flood of water fall on the floor. Followed by another gush of water and a third gush of water. "What the heck? I've never felt that before".

It became so quiet in that room you could have cut it with a knife. Nothing happened! Still nothing happened! There was supposed to be the sound of a baby crying her way into the world. But nothing! What's wrong, I said? ----- What's wrong? ----- What's wrong? ----- The anesthesiologist speaks up. Everything's fine, he says! I'm thinking, "nice try guys". My voice raises and my blood pressure spikes. The only one that has said anything is patting me on the shoulder, calm down, calm down. "NO, NOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BABY," I said. Very calmly the assistant surgeon said, "Everything is not fine. Your baby is in trouble". Dr. Barton turns quickly and hands my new daughter over to the pediatrition. Who imediately lays her on a bed under warm lights and installs a respirater in her lungs. He adjusts the oxygen to 100% and he adjusts the breaths to 100%. MEANING, she's alive, with the help of the machine.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


There was a chill in the room. With a feeling of fear that had been calmed, spinning circles around me, I took a deep breath. As I blew out the pent up air in my lungs - every fiber of my body relaxed. What is about to happen is bigger then I could ever imagine. It was not in my power, I was, but the vessel in which it would ride to go the distance of the journey. I knew that Heavenly Father loved me with all of his heart. I know that he knows me very personally. He knows my desire to be a mother. I knew I was helping him give one of his most special spirits a chance at life. What I didn't know was that he trusted me on a very high level. He knew he could count on me. He was relying on me to make the right choices in my life, to help build his kingdom.

Oh dear, I felt that, I felt the knife run up my stomach. I said it out loud and everybody looks at the anesthiologist. He adjusts the medications in the epidural -and - instantly - I feel nothing.

As precious moments pass before my daughter is brought out into the world, I have feelings of peace and hope. I feel that all is well, and everything will be OK! I remember thinking, Oh, she is going to be fine. She will get to run and play with my other two children at home. We will all love her so much!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


I'm sorry for the hold up. I haven't been able to find the time to pay attention to my story. I've been trying to obtain Casey's records from the hospital, they say they can't find them and, am I sure she was at that hospital? Oh, maybe I just imagined it! I told them that I would be happy to come and look for them. There's still hope. I also wasn't able to go to the orientation so I could become a volunteer at the hospital Casey lived. I found out that I had pneumonia. I want to go into the ICU and rock the babies. I'm all better and I have another orientation scheduled next Tuesday evening. Please keep checking back, this story is very important to me and it will be done this year.

Monday, February 1, 2010

My Daughter

Casey Collett Geilmann - Born October 14, 1978 at the Cottonwood Hospital, located in Murry Utah. Her delivering doctor was Dr. Richard Barton assisted by Dr. Clark with the receiving pediatrician being Dr. Hightower.

"Her Daddy and Dr. Clark gave her a name and a blessing. Her
Daddy blessed her to be healed and to live."

As I lay in the Labor room at Cottonwood Hospital on October 14, 1978, I closed my eyes, trying to get a grip on myself. I was thinking about the long last 9 months up to this moment. This pregnancy was so hard. This baby is small, but full term. I, on the other hand was HUGE. Big enough to deliver triplets, and being a small baby, there was great concern.

I remember thinking, Cindy, you can't let anyone know that you are frightened. You've got to keep your feelings to yourself. You know how things turn out to be ok and you realize that you were being crazy for a moment? It didn't work, I kept shaking and was very nervous, plus I couldn't breathe. My doctor kept coming in and out, checking me, saying, "somethings wrong, we need to be prepared". Oh great!

Everything started to be different from that moment on. I had had two C-sections before and this just didn't feel right. Several nurses started coming in and out. I realized that one was too nervous so she'd go out and another one would come in, then another one. Nobody was talking to me. As I felt their hesitation my, fear began to grow. They kept coming, in and out, in and out. 8 of them to be exact. Now I realize that they just wanted to see my big 45 centimeter belly. How rude!

Ok, I was finally ready. I was wheeled into the operating room. I have never felt so alone and frightened as I did that moment, being rolled down the corridor. As I was lifted onto the operating table, WOW, did I start to panic. I couldn't breathe so I was tipped to the right side and a pillow was put under my stomach to hold it up. I remember thinking, why are there two doctors here and why aren't they saying anything to me. They were talking about some ball game.

The anesthesiologist began administering the epidural. He looked at me and (in a kind voice) said, you've got to calm down. "CALM DOWN!" I wanted to scream, run away, forget it, anything but calm down, and nobody is helping here. I was scared I felt trapped, by myself, in a bad situation. Never in my life had I felt so desperate for help. And the only ones that could have helped me were talking about the basketball game.

In fact, the words "help me" were coming (very softly) from my lips. The anesthesiologist responded, "what did you say"? "What did you say"?

I was crying, I was shaking, I was sick, but I couldn't let my doctors know of my weakness. Where in the world did I learn that? One good thing that I did know how to do -- was -- pray. "Please Father in Heaven, I need help, please help me in this situation". Almost instantly A warm feeling came into my hand, a calmness overtook my body, and there was an aura of tenderness around me. I knew then, that I wasn't alone. We could proceed.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

My Fairy In A Jar

I first saw this beautiful piece of art on a blogger friends site, "Feathered Nest". I was very much touched by it's tenderness. You see, some 31 years ago my little 4 month old daughter died, after the battle of a life time. When I look at this young fairy in this bottle I can't help but see my little girl at about 2 years of age.

She sits at eye level on a shelf in front of me and my computer. She will inspire me as I go back 31 years to a time and place, that I now know, was one of the greatest experiences of my life.

You are welcome to follow along as I tell her story. Please join my followers, so I'll know your there. I'm sure I will be inspired to have special little drawings.