I finally did find sleep that first night and as I slept I prayed and thanked my Father in Heaven for helping me get through the surgery. I thanked him for letting my daughter live. I thanked him for her beautiful hair and her perfectly formed body.
I was yet to find that her body wasn't formed as perfectly on the inside.
I awoke the next day with many questions rolling around in my head. The first one was, "Why me, why is this happening to me?" I knew that there was only one person that could answer that question. I also knew that I might have to struggle to hear the answer. The answer wasn't going to come from a text book, nor a Crystal ball. No one could tell me the answer, some might try, but nothing could satisfy the desire I had in my heart except feeling the answer come from my Father in Heaven. My spirit needed to discover the answer. The spirit is the part of each of us that feels. My spirit was hurting and I needed to know if I had done something wrong. Could it have been the Diet Coke I drank? The fact that I said "Shit" to much. Yeah, rather shallow, don't ya think. Well, I don't know!
My feelings have always been very strong and I was learning to trust them and accept the positive ones as gifts from God. Being in the hospital and having no one to talk with most of the time, I could ponder and listen. I knew how to pray and how to listen. I knew that the Lord loved me and wouldn't leave me. But ya know, at the end of that day, I didn't have the answer to that question, but I did remember something. I remembered Moroni speaking to the people in Ether chapter 12. He said, "and now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen: wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of you faith". This made me think, I remembered back at the beginning of this pregnancy, the ultra sounds showed us that there was a problem. The feelings that I experienced upon hearing that statement were, "oh, ok, what is it and we'll deal with it". The calm assurance of Faith came over me, in knowing that everything will be fine, and we can handle it as we work with a loving Father in Heaven and let his Will be done. That same feeling came to me while on the operating table when I was scared. A calm spirit came over me and took my hand and said, "it's ok, all is well".
I took a deep breath and I was humbled. The feelings that ran deep into my heart told me that the journey would be one that I needed to take slowly because I wasn't sure that I was strong enough to make it. The Lord says to us, in Ether Chapter 12"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then, will I make weak things become strong unto them.
I knew what I needed more right then, then the answer to my question. I needed strength to move one day at a time. And in order to gain strength I must act with faith.
The phone rang in my room and I picked it up with fear, fear that my daughter didn't make it through the surgery. It was John, as he blew out his pent up air, he said that she made it through the surgery. Everything that they suspected was corrected. She was stabilized back in intensive care. She was barely alive because she was on 100% breaths and 100% oxygen. We would now wait for her to heal as we gradually decrease the breaths and oxygen and she starts breathing on her own.